Home » GG&G's Real Life » Our Battle With Infertility: Back to the Beginning

Our Battle With Infertility: Back to the Beginning

Hey, friends! I realize that I haven’t posted since…August? There may not be any of you out there anymore. If that is the case, I deserve it. Luckily (?), today’s post is as much for me as it is for you.

Chris and I (and typically, our budget) love DIY projects and making our house a home a little bit at a time. Don’t worry, if you are friends or family of ours who haven’t gotten to visit lately, we have more projects in the works than we did for ALL of 2013. Some of them will be posted very soon and we hope you will feel the virtual welcome we extend for you to come on in and make yourselves at home.

I, however, have always been an open book…except about this one big thing. Besides Jesus and Chris, this one big thing is the most important thing to me (us) and I’ve finally just gotten tired of keeping quiet about it. So, Chris and I have finally decided to break our silence and address the elephant that is literally living in the room with us at. all. times.

Backstory: I was married before. Chris was engaged and a month out of a wedding, also. We were both young and, of course, had a “5-year plan” with our previous significant others. In my plan, I got married in 2008 and we were going to start trying for babies in 2009. I have literally wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. When I was born, my mom wanted to include “Danielle” or “Heather” in my name (hello 80s!) but my dad wasn’t feeling it. When I found that out, I hypothesized (at like, age 8, mind you) that I would have boy/girl twins with the names Heather Danielle and Daniel Harrison. Those poor children, haha. As time went on, my future-family-fantasy grew to include another boy and another girl. I wanted 4 kids. I grew up in a house by myself (sibling-wise). I really wanted a big family and I didn’t want an odd number, partly because I’m OCD and partly because I didn’t want anyone suffering from middle-child syndrome. I became a teacher. I practically adopted some of my students. I became personal friends with families. I got divorced. My 5-year plan came CRASHING down, to say the least. Lowest of my lows, by far.

Then, I decided I didn’t want kids. I didn’t want a husband. My divorce was God’s way of telling me that I was a terrible wife and that I shouldn’t make plans and that all of my plans were crap. It was a dark day. Then, Chris and I hung out. It was a very different feeling from before. He had moved to a different city and we didn’t see each other or talk very frequently. Then, all of a sudden, he came back to visit and everything was…weird. I talked to him about my feelings of failure (I mean, he’s a minister, that’s his job, right?) and he talked to me about how he had felt that way after the deterioration of his engagement. His relationship had been 7 years long and they had grown up together and planned to grow old together. I met him for the first time a little over a year after the end of his relationship and his pain was still evident back then. We continued to talk and realized we had feelings and that maybe, just maybe, God really did want us to be someone’s spouse, maybe even each other’s. Thanks, God. We decided that making all of those plans hadn’t helped us before so we would try to just be married for a little while. Chris was working part-time at a church over an hour away and trying to have kids just seemed like too much…but God had brought us this far in relationships and after being friends for 6 years…so we had PLENTY of time for a family.

Engagement Photo

This is from our engagement shoot by the lovely Rachel May Photography. *Finally* we found where we belong. ๐Ÿ™‚

In June of 2011 I caught wind of a rumor that my friend from work was pregnant. She wasn’t making a “big announcement”, but was OK with it being public knowledge so, I went and asked her if it was true. Then, I cried. (She is a really great mom.) I left work that day and I KEPT CRYING. If you know me personally, at all, you know this is strange. 1) I hate to cry. 2) It was a Wednesday and we had church, but I could not get it together. I believe I actually went to eat dinner at church and then went home and cried some more. Honestly, I had NO idea why I was crying. I prayed and cried and prayed and cried and realized that this friend of mine wasn’t planning on being pregnant, but she was. It made me realize that I REALLY wanted kids and I didn’t want to wait. I wasn’t mad at her. In fact, I went and bought that baby some onesies right that second because I knew she would be the most precious little baby ever. She is gorgeous, by the way. But it made me realize that I have this amazing husband and we know we eventually want a family so why would we NOT want whatever God was trying to bring us, even if it was soon and scary and our finances weren’t 100% stable. I think that some part of me had a tiny intuition that we might not get pregnant right away (probably best described as paranoia) so, maybe we should start sooner so we have time to iron out any wrinkles, right? Weird analogy, but accurate for how I felt at the time.

Chris came home from church that night and we talked about itย extensively. I cried some more because I was just so caught off guard at my jealousy that someone was accidentally pregnant and I wasn’t. I mean, duh, of course I wasn’t. I was trying NOT to be pregnant and doing a darn good job of preventing it! Even in my first marriage, I was working NOT to get pregnant the whole time because we HAD. A. PLAN! Well, Chris and I realized that kids were what we wanted, even if it was sooner than we had originally thought we would. I mean, he’s a youth minister and I’m an elementary school teacher. It’s not exactly a secret that we love kids. I knew he would be a fabulous father and I could not WAIT to see him in that role. We decided that since I was supposed to start new birth control in the middle of June (during the last week of school) it would be perfect timing to discontinue the b.c. and start trying that next month. We were totally aware that it takes time for hormones to work out of the system, but we knew there was an app for that (haha- seriously!) so I started taking my temperature and monitoring all of my fluids (gross, but true) and we started to try to figure out WHEN we could possibly get pregnant. It was SO exciting for us! We couldn’t believe that God had overwhelmed me with that crazy jealousy and made me realize how badly I wanted a baby. [Sidenote: The jealousy did NOT negatively affect my friendship. I love my mom-friend, even more now, and her baby girl is so. freaking. precious. I love knowing their family and she is 100% supportive of me/us. She actually felt sad when I told her- just this fall- that I cried the day I found out she was pregnant because it made me realize I wanted babies, too. She’s awesome.]

So, we embarked on our little journey of trying to go from a family of 2 to a family of 3. As you may well have realized by now, that was 31 months ago, but who’s counting? We are. We didn’t know it at the time, but June of 2011 began our journey battle with infertility.

Us- Photobooth-September 2011

This is us in the fall of 2011, not too long after we started trying. I mean, who wouldn’t want these folks as parents, am I right?!

You may not understand why I started writing about this. If that’s the case, you surely won’t understand why I write the posts to come. During this whole journey, until relatively recently, we have felt VERY alone in this. It’s not the fault of any of our family or friends. Infertility comes with a LOT of shame. We decided to start writing about it because I truly believe that someone out there is googling this and there just aren’t a lot of resources that make you feel much better. I’m hoping that this sheds some light, answers some questions, or just lets someone out there know they’re not alone. There will be more to come, some with personal details. All we ask is that, if you comment, you comment politely. If you’re related to us or consider us close friends and you don’t know MANY of the details of our journey, don’t feel hurt or offended, please. For one thing, we can’t really juggle anyone else’s feelings. For two, it is NOT personal. It is hard for us. It is scary. Sometimes, it’s too much to verbalize. Writing it down, I hope, will help us AND someone else.

To those of you who do know and have been supporting us, thanks. If you’ve been praying for us, thanks for that, too. Keep ’em coming! ๐Ÿ™‚ I promise we will be back with house updates soon, but, we will also be filling you in on our story of the last 31 months. AND last, but not least, if you or someone you know is battling with infertility, there are great blogs that make you feel less alone. One fabulous blog friend I’ve gotten to know is Bethany from Sawdust & Embryos. Her story keeps that light glowing at the end of the tunnel. ๐Ÿ™‚

To read about the first year of our battle, click here.

To read about year 2, click here.


35 thoughts on “Our Battle With Infertility: Back to the Beginning

  1. Oh Jessica my heart goes out to you guys! Ironically, I vividly remember unloading my infertility baggage onto your mom one day over lunch. We also had previously been discussing how you and I have/had a lot of random similarities. I looked right at her and said, “well I sure as hell hope that THIS is one thing that your daughter and I don’t have in common because it’s horrible!” Ever since then I’ve wondered if you were in a similar boat but didn’t know how to politely ask. Anyhow, If you want to talk (or scream, or curse, or cry or anything) I am 115% here and I understand how difficult this all is. As a matter of fact we are back in the trenches now working for #2. I can’t wait to hear more from you and you all will be in my thoughts as you fight for baby #1. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel! Hugs!

    • Christina- it’s uncanny, right? SO many similarities. Maybe they’re tied? Could we make millions providing doctors with a study of irregular physical ailments that tie to IF? Haha! Let’s get rich! I was wondering about baby #2 from you guys, but also didn’t want to ask since I knew it was a tough road before. I’m so glad your lovely little girl is proof positive that it is all worth it! Hugs right back!

  2. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing. Let’s all be done with the shame and secrets. Infertility is a battle and I’m in this fight with you.

  3. Praying for you as you take this journey. Our family has three blessings from infertility…they are Skye, Jon, and Meri. God works in mysterious ways and I know He has a plan for the two of you. Be patient and know that when the time is right you will know that plan.

  4. Jessica, you and your husband are in my prayers. I’m sure God has something amazing in store for y’all! I can relate all too well with having a plan and then seeing that plan fall apart. Thank you for sharing your story!

    • Julia, Thank you SO much for the prayers! We are obviously pretty far from the point of this blog post right now…but holding on to the hope of an amazing conclusion to this story someday! ๐Ÿ™‚ I know that you can identify with the feeling of plans falling apart and, while I hate that those situations happened for both of us, I love that we have an extra bond! Love to you & your sister! ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. wowโ€ฆI am so so glad that you decided to share and put all of this out there so that you all can get the support you need and that you can be that support for someone else. I know it takes a lot of courage to make it public knowledgeโ€ฆsending you so many prayers, hugs and the best kind of wishes! You would make an unbelievable mommy and I know it WILL happen. xoxo!

    • Jesse- Thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚ I really loved that quote you posted on IG today because it was just what I needed to read! I plan to read that book after the review it got on your IG feed! ๐Ÿ™‚ Love your positive vibes. I am coveting them- for sure!

    • Jess- Thanks. Love you. I’m so glad you’re still a fan of my uterus. ๐Ÿ™‚ The doctor actually did recently say I have a perfect uterus. I told her I had been working on it for a long time.

    • B- Thanks, girl. Having you has literally changed like…my whole outlook on the situation. That sounds very dramatic but it’s nice to not feel so crazy. 2014: Year of OUR babies! Can’t wait to see you again!

  6. I’m so glad you shared this. There are so many people struggling like you are to have a child. I suffered with infertility for many years and finally gave up and decided I didn’t want children. Then BAM…I got pregnant with Hunter. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope sharing this story is helping you both to feel you’re not alone. It’s so common now, but you’re right it feels like something is wrong when you aren’t making babies. I felt that way for so long. You’re a wonderful, loving person and I pray the very best for the both of you XOXO

    • Mel- Talking to you at Haven changed my outlook on sharing my story. You were my first “stranger”/roommate that heard the whole shpiel. Thank you SO much for listening. Your super-awesomely-cool 3rd grader definitely gives me hope! Love you!

    • Kelly- Thank you SO much! We appreciate and definitely covet all of the prayers! Reading blog posts where you confidently talk about your faith has definitely made an impact on me and my comfort with not only discussing the tough stuff, but also feeling comfortable expressing our faith in SUCH a public state as the blogosphere. Thanks for being you, girl. Let’s do Power Jumps at Haven (unless I’m too pregnant)! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. We are so sorry to read this. It being so hard on you guys, makes it hard on the whole family. I can’t even imagine but so glad you both had enough strength to put it all out there. We know you guys will be the perfect family when the time comes. I guess patience and prayer is all we can do to help. And that’s the easy part! We got that for yall! ๐Ÿ™‚ Love you both so so much. xoxo

    • Thanks, sister. Thanks for shouldering some pain for us and for loving us through it. Trust me, we ARE cranky many times, but knowing you guys love us anyway really does help. Thanks for the prayers. We love you all and cannot WAIT for Rob to be up IN this family–officially! xoxo

  8. Thank you for sharing! Praying for you and you husband. You are an awesome teacher. Your love for children is evident. I know you will be a great mom.

    • Jackye! Thank you so much for reading & commenting. We covet all of the prayers and I hope you and those sweet boys are doing well! Give them a hug for me- I miss all of your sweet faces!

  9. Girl, you know it’s true… ooh ooh ooh I love you! I’m proud of you for writing about it and writing about it so openly and honestly. You will help many more people this way (AND yourself). Love you! I will keep praying for you ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. Thank you for sharing so honestly. Those who have battled infertility certainly have a lot in common and I hope you find comfort in that. I totally understand the crying thing! I understand the pain of all of it too. Praying for you guys!!!

  11. Jessica, I have tears in my eyes after reading this post. It is a beautiful thing to see someone open their heart and spill out their honest story…even if that story has hurt, and pain, and sadness in it. It’s just a reminder that weren’t mean to walk this journey of life alone; we were meant to do it in community. So, I applaud you for being brave and sharing this with us, your community of readers (and anyone who else haps upon this community). I hope you feel a huge warm hug coming your way from me and to. A thanks for keeping it real. And a prayer for you to feel God’s presence tonight…and in the days ahead. He has a plan, that’s for sure; and I know it’s more than you could ask for or imagine.

  12. Pingback: Our Battle With Infertility: Year 1 | gourley girl & guy

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